Hey, yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know the guy, I met him. It's — Jesse, by the way.
[ Whatever. Close enough. ]
What's goin' on? Saya's, like — She's okay, right?
[ It's hesitant on his end for a moment too, a bit guarded and a little downtrodden on account of, well, it's not exactly Saya making the call, is it? That means she's gotta be hurt, out of commission, or way worse than that. Given the place, he's placing a bet on the 'way worse'. ]
[ She was just kickin' around. She was just — Jesus, he'd just talked to her not long ago, she'd never gotten back to him and he'd worried his ass off, apparently with good fucking meaning. ]
[ Jesse's quiet for a long while, no response. When he does finally fire off a few more words to Ichigo, they come out in a bit of a croak, asking the worst out of him because he has to know. ]
[He knew this was coming. He knew, and yet he still doesn't know what to say. Even though he's already told Rin and Kohaku about what happened, it...It's still not easy.
It'll never be easy.]
She...
[For a long while, there's nothing more than pained breathing-like someone trying to force back a hideous memory, panting with the effort it took to just not give over to it and let it replay in his head.
Breaking down over the phone isn't something he wants to do. Hell, it was awful just telling his friends, and they were in person for that.
[ No. Saya? No. Not her. Not when she was in the middle of a mission or some shit, not without telling anyone, right? Not without something else, she wasn't — He meant, he'd never noticed if she was, but — ]
She, uh.
[ Verbalizing's getting difficult. He's fucking floored by it, however intentional this may have been. Half of him wants to ask questions, drill into this, figure out how it happened. The second half recognizes that Ichigo's in about as much shock as he is right now and knows better than to press too hard. He's not sure he even wants to know. ]
When did — She's dead, just like that, she — Jesus.
[Less shock, really-he dealt with the shock when he had to stare at her corpse in horrified disbelief. No, now it's more like he's just...numb. He's slowly been trying to go back to normal and feel emotions like everyone else, but whenever Saya's mentioned he goes back to that numb feeling. Recounting and remembering it still hurts, but the numb feeling...it dulls the pain.
It hurts less that way.
But....he feels like he should tell Jesse why. He's one of her friends-and even if it's a retelling of his own inability, he deserves to know.]
...We ran into those reindeer going to the hospital, and they hurt her. The painkillers she had...I guess one of the pills made the pain worse. She..
[He stops, gulping hard.]
...She started screaming and writhing around, and...she asked me to kill her.
[Another pause, and then he speaks in a low voice, a tinge of bitterness and self-loathing coloring his words.]
...I couldn't.
So...she...she shot herself.
[There's a long moment of silence after that.
It feels like there should be one, not just that he doesn't know what to say.
...Although he has no clue what to say now. What can you say after you've seen your friend blow out their brains in front of you?
Eventually, he just starts mumbling to himself, guilt and the contempt he has for himself practically dripping off every word.]
Because I wasn't strong enough to stop her suffering...she had to do it herself. Heh. Some friend I am.
[ Torn apart by some kind of creature, the toys, the bear traps, whatever, the bears themselves, fine, that he can handle, but a fucking reindeer gores somebody you care about and that's not so easy to deal with. ]
[ Especially when he sent her out in the first place. ]
[ Yeah, that guilt's gonna twist for a while. ]
She — [ No, he doesn't want to know any more details. Picturing Saya with a gun to her head is already something that sends a shudder through him; he can't even imagine. He's going to promptly change direction, swiping a harried hand over his face. ]
You couldn't'a — The gun, I mean, you — [ Obviously not, or he wouldn't so so distraught enough as it was. But the pills would've passed, right, they would've passed. It gives him pause with the ones he's been taking on his own. ] Jesus.
Are you, like — Are you okay, what'd you do with — [ Her body. ]
[He intakes a harsh breath when Jesse mentions the gun-he still cursed himself for not being fast enough, for not realizing what she was going for.]
She just-she was too fast.
[He'd tried. God, did he try.
But it just wasn't good enough.
He avoids the question about himself, since he's not the one who Jesse needs to hear about.]
...She's...still there. I...couldn't-
[Remembering the mess, how he fell to his knees...no, he couldn't take her with him. He'd been too deep in shock, and he really blacked out for a while until he found himself walking in the forest, clutching the bag to his side tightly.]
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
[It doesn't change anything, apologizing like this. But it's HIS fault, he thinks. It's all his fault.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice;
[ Whatever. Close enough. ]
What's goin' on? Saya's, like — She's okay, right?
[ It's hesitant on his end for a moment too, a bit guarded and a little downtrodden on account of, well, it's not exactly Saya making the call, is it? That means she's gotta be hurt, out of commission, or way worse than that. Given the place, he's placing a bet on the 'way worse'. ]
Where is she?
voice;
[He'll forget it the next time he sees you. WHOOPS.
But...dammit. Of course he'd ask. of course. Now what does he say?]
...She's....
[He takes in a breath-don't remember don't remember and lets it out softly.
...Okay. He should just....lay it out on the table. It's easier that way.]
...She's dead.
voice;
[ Jesse's quiet for a long while, no response. When he does finally fire off a few more words to Ichigo, they come out in a bit of a croak, asking the worst out of him because he has to know. ]
What happened?
voice;
It'll never be easy.]
She...
[For a long while, there's nothing more than pained breathing-like someone trying to force back a hideous memory, panting with the effort it took to just not give over to it and let it replay in his head.
Breaking down over the phone isn't something he wants to do. Hell, it was awful just telling his friends, and they were in person for that.
When he does speak, it's practically a whisper.]
...She killed herself.
voice;
[ No. Saya? No. Not her. Not when she was in the middle of a mission or some shit, not without telling anyone, right? Not without something else, she wasn't — He meant, he'd never noticed if she was, but — ]
She, uh.
[ Verbalizing's getting difficult. He's fucking floored by it, however intentional this may have been. Half of him wants to ask questions, drill into this, figure out how it happened. The second half recognizes that Ichigo's in about as much shock as he is right now and knows better than to press too hard. He's not sure he even wants to know. ]
When did — She's dead, just like that, she — Jesus.
voice;
It hurts less that way.
But....he feels like he should tell Jesse why. He's one of her friends-and even if it's a retelling of his own inability, he deserves to know.]
...We ran into those reindeer going to the hospital, and they hurt her. The painkillers she had...I guess one of the pills made the pain worse. She..
[He stops, gulping hard.]
...She started screaming and writhing around, and...she asked me to kill her.
[Another pause, and then he speaks in a low voice, a tinge of bitterness and self-loathing coloring his words.]
...I couldn't.
So...she...she shot herself.
[There's a long moment of silence after that.
It feels like there should be one, not just that he doesn't know what to say.
...Although he has no clue what to say now. What can you say after you've seen your friend blow out their brains in front of you?
Eventually, he just starts mumbling to himself, guilt and the contempt he has for himself practically dripping off every word.]
Because I wasn't strong enough to stop her suffering...she had to do it herself. Heh. Some friend I am.
voice;
[ Torn apart by some kind of creature, the toys, the bear traps, whatever, the bears themselves, fine, that he can handle, but a fucking reindeer gores somebody you care about and that's not so easy to deal with. ]
[ Especially when he sent her out in the first place. ]
[ Yeah, that guilt's gonna twist for a while. ]
She — [ No, he doesn't want to know any more details. Picturing Saya with a gun to her head is already something that sends a shudder through him; he can't even imagine. He's going to promptly change direction, swiping a harried hand over his face. ]
You couldn't'a — The gun, I mean, you — [ Obviously not, or he wouldn't so so distraught enough as it was. But the pills would've passed, right, they would've passed. It gives him pause with the ones he's been taking on his own. ] Jesus.
Are you, like — Are you okay, what'd you do with — [ Her body. ]
voice;
She just-she was too fast.
[He'd tried. God, did he try.
But it just wasn't good enough.
He avoids the question about himself, since he's not the one who Jesse needs to hear about.]
...She's...still there. I...couldn't-
[Remembering the mess, how he fell to his knees...no, he couldn't take her with him. He'd been too deep in shock, and he really blacked out for a while until he found himself walking in the forest, clutching the bag to his side tightly.]
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
[It doesn't change anything, apologizing like this. But it's HIS fault, he thinks. It's all his fault.]